The wonderful world of dating apps

 Dating apps. I've got quite a lot to say about them. Being single in 2018 is quite an eye opener, the world has changed. People no longer go to the pub and chat each other up. Now you have download an app to your phone and swipe left or right depending on if you fancy their photo. But before you even do that you have to add your own photos and a profile. How do I sell myself without sounding like a total tool. You have to give you the information about yourself before you even start. I remember meeting blokes in the pub back in the 90s and you just used to chat and if you liked each other you'd stay chatting all night then arrange to meet. You didn't tell them all your hobbies, your life story, what car you drive or your favourite foods all in one night! Anyway I digress so once you've put together an advert for yourself then you have to chose some photos. Now do I pick a really glamorous one of me looking amazing or a quick now selfie which shows the real me? Thing is I don't really look like either as I'm not glamorous all the time, however I wouldn't leave the house looking the way I do now (thank goodness this isn't a vlog!) Then there is the body photo, do you just do head shots or be totally honest and post a full body shot curves and sizeable arse for the world to see! See in real life they would see you straight away so I'm thinking be honest. Right so pics with no filters posted (why do women keep adding dog ears to their photos?) advert posted. Lets see what happens next.

Now if you are using Tinder you have to start swiping left and right or nothing happens so off we go. Nope nope nope, bald, too hairy, too good looking, too old, too young! jeez louise why is he holding a fish - nope! No no no posing by a sports car, no to running, climbing a mountain or in the gym. No to a women in the picture, no if your photo is sideways or upside down, no if you have a silly meme and no if the background of your photo is a messy house definitely not! Is there anyone left? Yeah a couple get swiped right and if you are lucky you get a little whoosh across the screen saying 'It's a match!' That means he swiped on me too, happy days.

I've read his profile he looks ok so now we wait and wait and wait and absolutely nothing happens........On Tinder does anyone actually message anyone? So next time I get a match I message first but still nothing. Maybe its me...

I counted, I had 40 matches, only 2 people started or responded to a conversation. What is the point of this app. Il come back to the messages later.

Plenty of Fish or POF as its endearingly known as is similar to Tinder but there's way more information, you can add lots to your profile. You can add all that information you normally share over a period of weeks in just one go. So do you have pets or do you want children, do you drink, are you religious, what colour hair and eyes, do you drive, whats your favourite book, oh it goes on and on. And unlike Tinder on POF anyone can message anyone. Oh boy this does open a can of worms.
So my profile and pics are set up and whoooosh here come the messages.
In just minutes my inbox has 50 odd messages in, wow I feel so popular until I open them. Good grief who are these men, when do they live cus I do not want to go there .

There seems to be categories of men

• Mr Sport - he has photos of him doing various sports, running, climbing, lifting weights etc. In his profile it says he loves working out and keeping fit and wants to find a like minded woman. Ok so some of these guys are genuine sporty men but the majority think that posting ONE picture and saying they work out impresses the ladies. It doesn't, we know that you joined Fitness First 10 months ago but have only been twice. 

• Mr Gorgeous - The beautiful hipster with beard and tattoos knows he's good looking. He comes across all casual in his profile, saying hes just a genuine guy looking for a lovely lady. Seriously this guy already has several ladies on speed dial! He's probably got a topless picture of him standing under a waterfall in Thailand on his profile by the way.

• Mr Desperate - 'Hi just wanted to say how gorgeous you are and would you please talk to me even if its just to say you don't like me, please don't ignore me'  When you don't respond in 30 seconds you get another message saying 'Thanks for not replying, girls like you are all the same'  Ok whatever, block!

• Mr Fetish - His profile pic is from 50 shades of grey and the message he sends I cant help but read outloud in a Dracula type voice 'My beautiful lady, I would love to see more of you' Yeah bet you would mister, you ain't sinking those fangs anywhere near me.

• Mr Love Machine - Lotharios rejoice, you know have a legitimate place to tell everyone how amazing you are and get those bedpost notches into triple figures! His profile says he knows how to treat a lady. I bet it's with a bag of chips and a pint of lager down the club....

• The Lad - Several photos of him with his arms around other blokes, which one are you? Silly photos of him pulling faces or in fancy dress. Hes been on POF and Tinder for 3 years, been on numerous dates but still never found the one.

• Mr Married - Yep there is loads of married guys on these apps, hes got a nice profile and at first it all seems good until he says 'oh by the way I still live with my wife, we don't get on, we sleep in separate bedrooms and don't have any relationship but I cant leave her because of the kids' Ooooo K

• Mr Didn't I do well for myself - Eugh this one is the worst, profile pics of a red sports car, him holding a giant fish, his huge house and a photo of him standing all tanned in Dubai or worse in business class airport lounge. His profile says hes self employed. Well done bloke, I can see you've done well.However something is wrong as you on a dating app,  If you want to attract gold diggers that are going to spend all your money then you've sold yourself well. Good luck

• And then there is Mr Normal - Yeah this is just your regular guy. The guy you want to meet. His pics look normal, his profile reads normal. Hes divorced, got 2 kids that he sees every week, he drives, has a job and it's all looking good. 

I'm 45 so myfishing pool for men is loosely 38-55. Ive noticed something really interesting with this age group. They want a young supermodel with perky breasts, flat stomach, no wrinkles or grey hair. Hey guys have you looked in the mirror, how are your perky moobs, beer belly, wrinkles and grey hair today? The girl you are looking for is hanging out with 27 year old Dale who actually works out 6 times a week and has abs you can play a tune on! Get real guys! Yeah she's with him ⇣⇣⇣⇣

So the messages, well this is where it all gets interesting. The problem with POF is it shows you are on line so you can't just have a mooch and read a few messages without getting disturbed. Once you are on line the messages just keep coming. 99% I don't even reply to so if you are reading this and we have chatted then your profile must have been good. Chat up lines are the worst but to be honest I don't know how to start a message conversation either so I'm not gonna judge someone on their opening line. I'm utterly rubbish at this, for someone who talks a lot and spends a lot of time with people listening and talking I cannot hold a text conversation with a stranger. The problem is for me it's just too slow. The waiting for a response, not seeing a visual reply, mannerisms, gestures all that. Just a few words on a screen. Was he being funny or not? I'm quite dry and love a banter, unfortunately it doesn't come over on messages and I often come across wrong.

I'm also quick with my replies, I worked in a garage for 22 years, in that male dominated environment you need to be able to stand up for yourself and take the banter. I need the quick fire conversation not a waiting for a message. To be honest I get really bored and often flip between apps so if I didn't reply straight away its because I was on YouTube watching a cat video or on Facebook checking out Marys 74 photos of her holiday in Tenerife. (who is Mary by the way, do I know her, she's on my friends?) Then I will go and put the kettle on or start the tea or ring my sister. You know how you do. So unfortunately guys you do not have my undivided attention in a text conversation. And you know the worst I'm rubbish for closing apps so it looks like I'm still on line in POF. The guy I was chatting to probably things I'm talking to loads of other guys and ignoring him but I actually I was still watching the cat video! My sister got hold of me angrily the other day. 'How can you be online on whatsapp and facebook but ignoring my messages and my calls' Erm well my phone is on charge downstairs with all those apps open and I'm working on the computer upstairs. Note to self - close apps! 

Anyways let's talk about the conversations, mostly they always start the same how's your day, what you been upto, what you got planned for tonight, what job do you do? How you finding POF? Been on many dates? What do you in you free time?  Let's start with that one. What do I do in my free time, free time, what's that? I have a business, a home, 2 cats and a 8 year old. Free time is about 10.30pm when I finally get to watch something on Netflix by myself and then I fall asleep and wake up at 1am with a cat meowing at me!
Free time means arranging a babysitter and the problem is they are in short supply and if I'm honest I'm reluctant to ask because then you have to say why. I kinda like keeping my life private. Let's go back to the conversations. Seriously guys since when is sending a photo of your manhood a conversation, did I miss the memo? Neither do I want to meet you at the Travel Lodge, send you a nude pic of myself or pander to your weird fetish of wearing a pink latex gimp mask. See ya!

So arranging dates, this is so hard for me. I've not been on actual dates any except I briefly met this guy I'd been chatting to for nearly a year. Hes funny, I like him and we have a good banter but that's it. Hes a mate not a date! Anyway to want to meet someone I have to really fancy them and as of yet I've never really fancied a photo. I need to see someone,  mannerisms, smell, how they carry themselves, how they sound, how they respond etc. I'd never dismiss men the way I do on dating apps in real life. I actually annoy myself on how dismissive I am, I think its because this whole process is so boring and fake. I'm not remotely excited by it all. I know you are saying well you have to meet them don't you but the thought of going to a pub and meeting a stranger for an awkward drink with awkward conversation fills me with dread.

The other day I was told I was too laid back and 'you snooze, you lose' because whilst he had been chatting to me another lady had come along and asked for a date straight away! Ok then, sorry I'm not that desperate, I'm alright with that. Unfortunate thing was I actually liked this one, we had lots in common and I would have met him but his odd action showed we were looking for something quite different.  In real life you have a one on one conversation, you don't stand at the bar keeping turning round to talk to different people in the middle of a conversation but on dating apps people have multi conversations constantly looking for someone better, never satisfied. My profile said looking for dating, guys have told me maybe I'm not ready for dating, I disagree I'm definitely ready to meet someone, I can't tell him if I want a relationship or whether I really like him yet because that takes time.

Right now I'd be happy to go back to old fashioned courting when you don't see someone all the time and you don't move in together after 3 weeks. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'm happy to take things slow and find the right one. Enjoy meals out, a costa coffee during the day, a movie at the cinema or just a home cooked meal and a chill on the sofa.  I've been on and off POF for a year and the same men are there still looking for the illusive perfect woman which is why I've now totally shut down my accounts and deleted the apps. I've decided it doesn't work for me.

I know there is many success stories out there and well done, I admire your patience and tolerance for sifting through the dross and finding your Mr or Mrs Right. 💗

And for any potential suitors out there feel free to message, I may or may not reply!


Love to you all

The glam& not so glam me!